Reviews for If magic was unlimited.

BY : Aldreadragoon


  • From RogueMudblood on May 08, 2012

    This is likely going to come across as somewhat harsh; please understand that I'm trying to provide you some constructive criticism to aid you in becoming a better, more fluid writer.

    First thing's first:

    Your summary should always entice a reader to click on your story - intrigue them enough to read your tale.

    This is what you have:

    Anita's Daughter by Jean-Cluad has had amnisha for 5 years in New York and is now a cop in the RIPIT davishon.

    Before even clicking the link, this is what I would change it to:

    She gets flashes from before. Snippets of her life before she was on the RPIT. Now in New York, will [insert character's name here] find the link between herself, Blake, and Jean-Claude?

    At 186 characters (and less once you put the character's name in the spot saved for it), this is well within the limitations of that field.

    To be quite frank, the misspellings (not just of fandom names) are an immediate detriment to your story. Remember, presentation is key.

    For your title, it should be: If Magic Were Unlimited.

    Now to the story:

    I am going to emphasize to you the benefits of spell-check. It makes your story much easier to read, improves the flow of the material, and draws the reader into your story more. Some of your mistakes are going to require a beta or a read-through on your own before posting (form instead of from, there instead of their), but the majority of the issues I can immediately glean from a glimpse at the material would be solved by using spell-check. OpenOffice is a free program, and it is Word compatible. You can obtain a copy here: http://www.openoffice.org

    You've immediately thrown your characters together, without any type of introduction. I would suggest slowing it down a bit. Give Mariana a bit more introduction without her being on the scene. Her coming in and telling them she's half-vampire, half-goddess makes her come off as Sue-ish (general definition here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue). That I immediately get this impression of her does not bode well for her character throughout your tale.

    To Anita's depiction: I don't see her as being this accepting, or overwhelmed this easily.

    Chapter two...thirty-five years before they're physically and mentally developed enough to enter Kindergarten?

    To be honest, I started skimming after that. The general impression I'm getting from this is that you've got a basic idea of where you want this story to come from, but you're in a big hurry to tell it. The result is what comes across as very rushed writing.

    I would suggest making an outline of what you want to happen. Make an outline for each of your characters (OCs and fandom) so that you can reference that when you need to remember what someone's motivation is. Don't forget: good story-telling keeps the characters true to themselves throughout. As the character experiences new things, the character should grow and change, and the change should come through in your writing gradually. The result is that while a character may be surprised by a change over time, the reader should have had some inkling that it was there because of the events leading up to it.

    I think you've got a workable idea here, and I'd be interested to see what could be done with an amnesiac cop in the RPIT. The idea has some merit, and I think you could have a workable plot here. It just needs some tweaking on presentation.

    Happy writing to you.

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