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The Newborn
By : belladonnacullen
Category: Twilight Series > Het
Views: 3452 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.
Chapter List
- 6
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I found Carlisle in his office later that day. He smiled at me with a hint of suspicion in his eyes. "I missed you when you came in this morning, Tanya."
"Yes, I was out... hunting... until just before dawn. Can I speak with you, Carlisle, alone?"
Carlisle understood immediately what it would take to be alone in a house with a mind- reading vampire. We set out for a walk through the darkening tree-lined streets of their little town. We walked for miles in silence. Something felt like it was pulled tight within my chest, making my gait stiff and awkward. Finally, Carlisle spoke.
"We haven't walked like this together since the last time I was in Denali."
I stopped and closed my eyes. The tension in my chest was making breathing difficult. I knew that this afternoon something important and unnamed would cease to exist within myself. "Carlisle, I have the same message for you that I had on that night so many years ago. There is nothing between Edward and I, and that is not likely to change. You need to put the idea out of your head." I took a deep breath despite the tension and felt something tearing, painfully.
I rubbed my face with my hands and then continued down the road.
"But the way you look at one another."
"You misread the looks," I said breathlessly, wracked with pain. The tearing continued. Did Carlisle hear it? It was the sound of metal shrieking as it fell apart as easily as muslin.
"But Tanya, I look at you and how could I think anything else?"
"Carlisle, don't pretend to know my heart. Not even your son does."
"I know. That saddens me."
"Carlisle, your son doesn't care for me, and he never will. Please, tell this to Esme and don't look for anything more." And then it was done, severed, torn in two, the fabric of my heart. I took a deep breath before continuing, my chest now loose and empty. There was more that needed saying.
"Edward is in more pain than I think any of us have realized."
Now there was anguish on Carlisle's face. He held my elbow to stop me in my tracks. "What are you saying?"
"You need to speak with him. I don't want to betray his confidence."
Carlisle gritted his teeth, unsatisfied with my answer.
"What you are doing here, Carlisle, is noble, but it is new. No one has raised civil vampires from birth. There is no template. He does not feed on humans, he denies himself everything for an ideal, for your ideal."
"But Esme-"
"Esme shares your soul, Edward hasn't found that in another yet. He looks up to you, and wants to make you proud, but he sees that he is not you. Instead he sees the darkness within himself."
"But it can be overcome. It takes work to come into the light."
"Then tell him. Go to him. But Carlisle, if you push him, you may push him away. He has to find his own way to this life."
Suddenly, I was speaking to myself, no longer focusing on Carlisle, or the road, or the humans eying us curiously. "I should leave. I don't want to bring him any more pain."
"But you bring him such joy."
"No, I divert his attention. It's very different."
"Tanya, don't leave like this. You should at least stay for Esme's birthday. She'll be disappointed if you go now."
"I'll leave that up to your son."
*
When Edward and I saw each other that evening, there was a new understanding between us. It was as if we'd been looking at the world through rose-colored lenses, and in one night they had been taken from us forever. When we caught site of one another we didn't move. But then in the space of a breath, Edward was in front of me, his arms around me, burying his head in my hair.
I still hadn't moved.
Edward took a step away, and gingerly held my hands in his. "Did I hurt you?" He asked, looking at my wrists.
"Of course not. I'm very hard to break." Then I continued silently, for I was afraid to speak it out loud. "I'm leaving."
"Don't go yet. I'm afraid to be by myself."
"You have your family."
He smiled a little. "Stay until Esme's birthday. She would like that."
"I don't know."
"So now that you know my heart, you don't want me as a friend?"
"Have I masked my thoughts from you that well? You will always be my friend, and I will always want you. But you need to find the one that will make you more at home with yourself, not just help you escape. I can't continue to add to your pain."
"You've never done anything to hurt me, Tanya. It's I that have always hurt you."
*
So I stayed. It was different. The pretenses had all fallen away. Suddenly, there was the absence of knowing smiles between Carlisle and Esme when Edward and I would return home in the evening. I didn't pretend Edward was my suitor, I did my best to banish those thoughts from my head. I've lived long enough that it was almost possible. I didn't try to fight my nature, and enjoyed the casual company of a human male when I had the inclination.
On the surface it may have seemed like nothing changed about Edward at all. He continued to attend night classes at Fordham University. He spent hours in the study or at the piano in the music room. We escaped to jazz clubs, cabarets and musicals at night.
But those were just ways to mark the passage of hours and days, like a clock continuing to keep perfect time even after a violent storm passes through. There was a shift after the night in my bedroom, as if speaking out about Edward's fears and insecurities had given them physical form. Something subtle changed in his eyes in his mannerisms. He was more likely to make sarcastic jokes. There was a sour edge to his comments about humanity. Humans no longer snuck glances at him when we were out. Instead they avoided the impassivity of his stare. In those days and weeks he was more vampire than I had ever seen him before.
There were a few things that would inevitably bring my friend back. There were three human girls that we encountered on a regular basis on our nights about town. Their presence would always elicit that carefully arranged look that would make their hearts skip. One was the waitress I met on my first night in New York City, the one I had nearly scared out the door. We were back at the Cotton Club one night, when Edward made her blush for the umpteenth time with a warm smile and a large tip.
"Edward, are you flirting?"
"What?"
"These women. You favor them, you must. The way you always make them glow."
"No. It hadn't occurred to me. She simply has a pure heart and interesting thoughts. I've never heard an evil thought in her head. It makes me feel better. It makes it easier not to kill her."
And so I invented reasons to bring these girls into Edward's life more often. How many more times could I get him to smile? It was my new game. I inquired of their schedules, made plans in accordance, sat in her sections. Edward may have known it or he may not. He never let on either way. These days we no longer spoke of things like that.
Music was Edward's other sweet relief. I would watch when we were out, as the first notes of music would wash over him. There was an immediate lightness, as if he were suspended delicately by invisible strings and floating just above the seat of his chair. His eyes would soak in the light of the music and glow. He would smile without realizing it. And the best gift was when this smile was still on his face and he would look at me. I would pretend that everything was as it should be; like that admission of his was a nightmare, an alternate ending to this story that I could crumple up and discard in the wastepaper basket.
This lightness sometimes lasted for our entire car ride home, especially if he drove fast. The purr of the engine and the speed of the vehicle could keep his mood elevated. Then he would sit in front of his piano and re-create the music that he had just heard. But he would embellish it. The entire orchestra would spring from his fingertips, fuller and more complex than the humans at the club could manage.
Oftentimes though, the mood would run out before his fingers were finished, and the chords would turn to the minor key, somber and frightening. Like Cinderella after the stroke of midnight, the magic would disappear. I would sit and listen for as long as I could. But this usually drove me into the dim light of dawn, to the edges of the Cullen's land, so that Edward might not hear the sad timber of my thoughts. I would not add to his trouble.
Esme's presence was the only other thing could bring Edward out of the darkness. The glowing warmth from her eyes could almost always elicit a smile. He would twinkle even without sunlight. Somehow, her familial love could turn Edward back into the boy I remembered, his eyes still wide with the newness of the starlight. With her hand on his shoulder, he would sigh, and the world would be set right.
*
These were days of great philosophical discussions between Edward and his vampire father. He and Carlisle would spend hours together walking the grounds, in the study, in their personal quarters. No matter their vampire nature, both were staunchly Christian in their ideologies, but argued at opposing ends of the spectrum. I may have found it amusing, two vampires throwing quotes from Aquinas and Kierkegaard at one another, if I weren't so aware of the fact that Edward's peace of mind hung in the balance.
Esme and I returned from the hunt late one evening to hear Carlisle and Edward debating quite loudly in the front room. Instead of interrupting, we sat on the steps and waited, both more than a little curious.
"But what is virtue? You speak of theological virtue, of faith. But, what of justice? That is the virtue of reason, of the world. Who are we to follow in the path of the divine when we're damned?"
"You are forgetting Aquinas' first law, that good is to be done and evil avoided."
"But we are evil, what are we avoiding? Ourselves? Couldn't we just accept the truth of it and use this evil for good?"
"Yes, in the form of virtue. We are more powerful than the humans among us. You recall the theory that virtue denotes a certain perfection of power. Think of Unamuno. 'My existence is to seek for truth in life and life in truth, even knowing I shall not find them when I live.' Son, we live long enough that we may find the answers. It is a gift, deserving of faith, of virtue."
"What good is virtue unto itself? The ideas you put forth don't lead to an authentic life, but a life of stoicism. Why should I aspire to God's sphere, if God himself won't have me?"
"You don't know if that's true."
"Everyone knows it!"
Footsteps came quickly toward the front door and Esme and I scarcely had a chance to move out of the way before Edward stalked past us into the night.
*
It isn't common for vampires to celebrate their human birthdays, yet Edward and Carlisle made quite the fuss every year for Esme. They never said exactly why, but I imagined it was because she had such a humanizing effect on the two of them. She had the ability to turn their group from a coven to a family, one held by not only the bonds of necessity and companionship, but of love.
I had written to the rest of my clan about the celebration, and parcels had been arriving from Alaska each day for a week. I arranged the brightly wrapped gifts on a table decorated with large floral bouquets. We gathered for Esme's birthday in the early morning after Carlisle returned from his hospital shift.
Carlisle had recently purchased a new type of camera, one that used 35 mm film. It was said that these photographs could be greatly enlarged and still maintain a focused image. He was eager to capture the event, and to test the limits of his new toy. Throughout the evening flashes would often go off in our faces.
I presented Esme with an amber-encrusted heart-shaped locket. Inside I had affixed a photo of Carlisle on one side, and a photo of Edward on the other. Esme smiled at me, blinking, and her eyes seemed almost wet. If a vampire could cry, I suppose she would be the one. She gave me a great hug and - flash! Carlisle had taken a picture.
His gift to his mate at first appeared to be a photograph. The photo was of a small and weathered white beachside cottage nestled among the dunes.
"I know how you always wanted a beach house. I've leased this one for the winter months. The area will be deserted that time of year. We'll have the freedom to come and go as we choose. An if you like it, I've spoken to the owner, and he would be happy to sell, for the right price."
Esme's face was glowing with gratitude. Flash - another photo was taken.
Edward had been very quiet through most of the celebration, but he finally stepped in Esme's direction. "Esme, it's meant so much to have you in my life. I don't deserve the love you show me every day."
"Edward -"
"Please don't interrupt. I want to thank you for looking at me the way you do, for I know your look is genuine, and it helps me more than you know."
He put out his arm for Esme to take and led us into the music room, which had likewise been filled with flowers. Edward sat down at the piano and was instantly at ease, and his eyes began to glow bright and warm. A smile teased at the corners of his mouth, and his hands moved smoothly, confidently, and effortlessly over the keys. His body fell into the notes issuing forth from his hands and he was a thing of beauty: unearthly, pure and light. And as the melody swelled upwards, you could feel the love written into the music opening his heart, bringing joy to his eyes.
It was in this moment that he happened to look up at me. I took it as my own personal gift that evening, to see Edward happy. Flash! Carlisle took another photo. And when the light from the flash had dissipated, so had the light in Edward. I looked away and in that instant I caught the look in Esme's eyes. Joy and pain took up equal parts. She had seen the light disappear too.

A/N: This chapter was so hard to write! It actually made me sad. This story turned so quickly from newness, innocence, fun, and experimentation - to the loss of all of that. Edward only had nine years before his life changed in a way that would change him permanently (until Bella - read Prelude! ;) Seventy-eight years of a darker Edward are coming. I didn't realize how hard this story was going to be when I started it.
Please review! Marie
P.S. The next chapter is coming soon. It's half-written. m
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The Newborn	By : belladonnacullen Category: Twilight Series > Het Views: 3452 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

The Newborn