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Normality	By : AlphaOmegaPsi Category: Twilight Series > AU/AR > Slash Views: 2984 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story.

Chapter List
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AN: Sorry for taking so long on this chapter! I actually had it done yesterday, because I wanted to give it to my friend for her birthday. She's a fan of the story, and has been bugging me for a long time about it. She was the first to read it this afternoon, and now I'm putting it up for the world to see!

I was going to be mean and drag this out a little longer, but I think it's about time I actually get into the plot. So here you go. With how I seem to be pacing myself, I wouldn't be surprised if this story was concluded less than ten chapters from now. But of course, for those of you who are saddened by this, there is the sequel to look forward to.

I really liked how this chapter just flowed. I sat down to write and it just came out. Days like this make me a happy panda.

Shutting up now. Enjoy the chapter.

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The whole week following the kiss could be described as the worst in my life. I barely slept, fearing I’d have more of those dreams, eating with my family had become a chore, and there wasn’t enough to keep me occupied so I could keep my mind off the memories that assaulted my brain without mercy. Sitting up at night was the worst. There were only so many books on my shelf, and I found that in a night where I didn’t sleep I could polish off a good 500-page novel before the sun came up.

Lizzie and mom made no attempt to hide their worry from me, and every day they tried to wring the reason for this behavior out of me. I eventually started avoiding them altogether, going straight to my room after school and sneaking out at night for food when the hunger became too much. I ate in the bathroom at lunchtime so Lizzie didn’t have the chance to corner me, and took the back exit out of the school so she couldn’t get to me there.

To tell the truth, I was getting pretty tired of having to go through all this trouble. I could only hope Ethan had kept his mouth shut, and I wasn’t doing all this in vain.

Speaking of Ethan, he hadn’t visited the house since the weekend he stayed over. I didn’t know if it was because of me or not, but I was glad at least that I didn’t have to try to avoid him. Maybe I was lucky, and his family moved again. I didn’t really believe it, but I held onto the hope that I would never see him again and therefore never have to deal with whatever had happened on Sunday.

By the end of the week, I was so desperate just to get the ordeal out of my head that I asked out a random girl from one of my classes. I must have looked awful from the lack of sleep, and with my reputation I didn’t blame her for her reaction. She looked like a deer caught in headlights, afraid to say yes or no and hyperventilating so much I thought she would pass out on the floor in front of me. Finally I just told her it was a joke and walked away. I hadn’t really been serious—I didn’t even know her name—I just wanted a distraction to get me through the weekend.

At least one good thing came of this: I hadn’t had an attack all week.

When Friday rolled around and I had to see Mrs. Mavis, part of me was a little glad. I had to talk to somebody about this. It was building up inside me so much that I felt like I would explode from it. If I was going to tell anyone, it might as well be someone who was paid to listen.

I settled down in the settee across from Mrs. Mavis, noticing for the first time just how comfortable it was. Maybe it was just the lack of sleep, but the urge to lean back and close my eyes was very strong. I almost did until she started talking.

“Your parents have expressed some concern over your behavior this past week,” she said. “They say you haven’t been eating or sleeping and that you’re avoiding everyone.”

I bobbed my head slowly. “Yeah…well, I have been eating, just not with them. I sneak food while everyone else is asleep.”

“I see.” Mrs. Mavis pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and looked up at me. “Do you want to tell me what’s prompting this behavior?”

I felt fear suddenly grip me as I thought about what I was going to say. What would Mrs. Mavis think about all of this? Would she shun me like I was so sure my family would if they found out? I was so confident when I came in, so ready to blurt out everything, that I forgot why I had to keep it a secret in the first place. I pressed my lips together nervously and pulled my legs up to hug them to my chest.

“You don’t want to say?” she asked gently. I shook my head. It was my secret, and I didn’t have to tell if I didn’t want to. Not even to her. Mrs. Mavis sighed and wrote something on her pad of paper.

“Is there anything you would like to talk about?” she asked in that same gentle voice. I chewed my bottom lip and decided I could say a few things without giving away the whole story.

“I asked out…a girl in my class yesterday,” I said hesitantly.

“Oh? And what did she say?”

I chuckled humourlessly. “No, of course. Well, actually, she was too scared to say no so I just said it was a joke.”

“I see.” I thought I sensed pity in her voice, but when I looked up she was as cold as ever. “How does that make you feel, when your classmates are afraid of you?”

I shrugged slowly. “I don’t know…sad, I guess. Sad that they all have a reason to be afraid of me so much.”

“Have you thought about what I said last week?”

“Yes,” I lied, though I remembered it well. Her claim that I could get rid of this any time I wanted still felt like a huge joke to me. “I still can’t face something like this alone. I just wish…there was someone out there who loved me, who wasn’t obligated to love me.” I sighed and cut Mrs. Mavis off before she could say anything. “I mean, I know my parents and my sister love me and I know it probably has nothing to do with obligation, but…they’re my family and it feels like they’re supposed to love me. Nobody else is willing to get close enough to me and I think, maybe, that’s the reason I’ve never been able to beat this thing, because I’m so angry at the world for judging me.” The realization surprised even me, as I’d honestly never thought of it that way before.

Mrs. Mavis nodded almost approvingly and scratched a few things down on her notepad. “Is there anyone you wish would love you?” she asked. “Someone outside of your family?”

Almost immediately, Ethan came to mind, and I felt my face heat up. I didn’t want to tell her about the dream I had about him, about how every time I saw him now my heart raced, how it was because of him that I had ceased acting like a human being. I tightened my hold on my legs, squeezing so hard that I heard my knees creak.

“Ah, I see,” Mrs. Mavis said knowingly. To my surprise, she set her pen and paper aside. “Is this person by any chance the reason you’ve been acting so weird the last week?”

I didn’t say anything, lowering my gaze to the frayed bottoms of my jeans, but apparently that was answer enough.

“Whatever you tell me will not leave these walls, Barlie,” Mrs. Mavis assured me. “I won’t tell your family anything you don’t wish for me to tell them. You can trust me.”

Part of me didn’t believe her, but another part, a much bigger part, wanted to believe what she said was true. I wanted to spill everything and finally tell someone so maybe it wouldn’t eat me up so much inside. For a few moments, I pondered over the decision, before finally deciding I had to do it. Keeping it locked up wasn’t doing me any good, and as long as my family never found out…what did I really have to lose?

I took a deep breath before launching into my story. “My sister’s friend, Ethan, stayed over this weekend. I don’t really like the guy much; I think he’s after my sister.” I didn’t tell her I thought he was a vampire; the last thing I needed was her thinking I was crazier than I was. “So I really didn’t like that he was over, but I tolerated him.

“Well, something weird happened on Saturday night,” I said slowly. I was faltering now, losing confidence. “I had…a dream about him. A really weird, confusing dream that I couldn’t get out of my head.”

“A wet dream?” Mrs. Mavis asked, and my face heated up at how casually she said it.

“Yeah…one of those.” I bit my lip. “I tried to forget about it, but I started…noticing him after that. I tried avoiding him, but he wouldn’t leave me alone. On Sunday night, I…kissed…him.” I buried my face in my knees.

I didn’t see Mrs. Mavis’ reaction, but she was quiet for a few moments and I was sure she was as disgusted with me as I was with myself. I was sure she was going to kick me out of this office, tell my parents immediately, and get me disowned. They’d tell the whole town, and I’d lose my job, and everyone would hate me even more than before. Even the wolves wouldn’t talk to me anymore. I’d be a bum with no friends and nobody in the world. Why did I have to open my big mouth? Why?

I flinched as I felt a weight next to me on the settee. Was she going to hit me? I was sure I deserved it. I braced myself for the blow but was surprised to find warm arms encircling my shoulders. I looked up sharply.

“W-what are you doing?” I asked dumbly. Mrs. Mavis’ arms tightened.

“You just looked like you needed one,” she answered, chin resting on my shoulder.

I frowned. “But…why? Aren’t you disgusted with me?”

Mrs. Mavis chuckled and for a second I felt a surge of anger. Was she trying to make fun of me?

“It’s times like these that it’s hard to maintain a professional distance,” Mrs. Mavis admitted. “I’m not supposed to get involved with my patient’s lives or pity them, or feel anything for them. My job is to help them with their problems while somehow pretending I don’t have a heart. I suppose it’s a lot like your books, Barlie. While I’m here, I’m immersed in these people’s lives, but when I leave I have to pretend like they don’t matter and move on with my own life. I suppose it’s probably to protect my own sanity, but when I get people like you, who are so lost and confused in life, it’s so hard to remember that I’m not allowed to comfort you in this way.” She sighed. “I suppose rules are meant to be broken, though.”

I sat on the settee, stunned. It had never honestly occurred to me that Mrs. Mavis was anything other than a cold, unfeeling person. I had assumed she didn’t care while she sat in her chair and scribbled on her paper. I thought she was just doing her job, and that she was only there for her money. The fact that it was her job restricting her in this way was nothing short of shocking news, and for the first time ever I managed to see Mrs. Mavis as a person instead of just my therapist that I hated.

She remained on the settee for the rest of the session and we talked about everything and nothing. I learned that she was widowed and had two sons: one of them in college, the other in middle school. Their names were Billy and Jeff. Her husband’s name had been Dwayne, and the two had met during college while they were both working on their Master’s degree in Psychology. He died in a car crash a few years after Billy was born, and Mrs. Mavis had a break down shortly afterward that her sons helped pull her through. She decided that she’d devote her life to her sons and helping them get places in the world, so she still wore her wedding ring and referred to herself as Mrs. I thought that was a shame, since she wasn’t an unattractive woman.

She managed to coax me into telling her about Ethan, about how scared I was that I liked him; how terrified I was about my family’s reaction; my suspicions on his intentions toward my sister. I still left out the part about him being a vampire; she wasn’t supposed to know about that world, and she probably wouldn’t believe me anyway.

Before I knew it, our session was up and I felt better than I had in days. I was actually looking forward to next week. As I grabbed my jacket and began to pull it on, I felt Mrs. Mavis’ hand on my shoulder.

“One more thing,” she said. “Dreams that involve sex don’t necessarily mean you’re sexually attracted to that person. The official interpretation is simply that you want to become closer to that person.” She smiled kindly. “However, I think you should search your own feelings on the matter, and come to your own conclusion. Only you can know how you feel, Barlie.”

I nodded slowly and turned to give her a hug. “Thank you, Mrs. Mavis,” I said quickly, before hurrying out the door.

I was a little surprised to find mom’s van sitting in the parking lot, but I jumped in with a huge smile and she seemed relieved that I wasn’t trying to avoid her.

“I take it your session went well?” she asked, started the car and making her way out of the lot.

“Yeah…it went great,” I said, leaning my head back on the leather headrest. I wanted to close my eyes, but I forced myself to stay awake until I could get home and sleep in my own bed. “I think I’m going to take a nap when we get back. Is that okay?”

“That’s fine, Barlie.” My mother’s smile widened. “Do you want me to call you when dinner’s ready?”

“Yeah,” I said, deciding I wanted to actually eat dinner with my family tonight. “I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting lately.”

My mother reached over and squeezed my hand in her smaller one. “Just as long as you’re happy now,” she said. “You don’t have to tell me why you were acting like that, but you have no idea how good it is to see you smiling again.”

I didn’t tell her how good it felt to be smiling again, because I felt like I didn’t need to tell her. I felt like she knew already. Mom and I had always had that sort of bond, where we seemed to know what the other was thinking. Maybe that’s why I felt so relieved I didn’t have to life to her anymore; hurting her hurt me too.

I felt on top of the world as I trudged sleepily into the house. My limbs were weighed down with tiredness, but it was a good sort of tiredness, like the type you get after playing a particularly rough game. Me, I felt like I’d just fought off a storm, and this tiredness felt comforting in a way. I didn’t feel like I’d have unwanted dreams if I slept, and I didn’t feel like anything bad would happen at all. I felt like this would be a reward for a job well done, and I knew I would come out the other side okay.

As I opened the front door and took in my surroundings, I felt my good mood crash. Ethan was there, sitting on the couch with his hands in his lap. When he saw me, he stood up as quickly as if someone had stuck a hot iron to his backside.

“Hey,” he said, trying to smile but instead grimacing. “I wanted to talk to you…is that okay?”

I could tell he was taking in what a mess I was, and I didn’t know what conclusion he was coming to, but I immediately felt self-conscious under his gaze. I looked around to my mother for help, but she only gave me an encouraging smile and pushed past me to the kitchen. Lizzie wasn’t even around to divert his attention; all of it was on me. I knew there would be no getting rid of him this time, and there were some things that had to be said, so I grudgingly led him to my room and closed the door.

He sat down gingerly on the bed, looking as if he was ready to bolt at any second. I sat down at the head of it, and I was sure I had the same look. I certainly felt that way.

“So…what did you want to talk about?” I asked, although I already knew the answer to that. I just couldn’t stand the silence anymore.

Ethan picked at the left knee of his jeans, keeping his gaze carefully away from me. “Last week…” he said hesitantly, “You…kissed me.”

I bit my lip and drew my knees up to my chest, using them as a sort of shield. “I-if you could call it that,” I said, my lame attempt at a joke falling flat on its face.

A small smile quirked at Ethan’s lips and he glanced over at me. “Why?”

I don’t know what possessed me, but I told him the whole thing. About the dream; about my tortured morning; about trying to calm down with the book; about my failure after seeing him again; every little thing. I told him about how I couldn’t stop thinking about him, how I wondered if his lips were soft or how he smelled. I even told him about the last week: how I couldn’t sleep and avoided my family because of my fears.

After I was done, he was silent. Unable to take the quiet, I said: “My therapist says sex dreams just mean you want to become closer to someone. So I might not…actually like you. There’s a good chance this will all fade away after a while, so you don’t need to worry about it.”

I expected him to be relieved by the news, but instead his head snapped up and he looked horrified. “Fade away?” He looked like he might cry. “But, I thought…everything you said, you didn’t just make that up, did you?”

I shook my head slowly. “No, but it might just be a side effect from the dreams. Or I might just be looking too much into it. I don’t really know.”

A hand touched my cheek and suddenly I was looking straight into Ethan’s eyes. They were hard, determined, and I realized I had never really seen them this close before.

“How do you feel, right now?” he asked. “If you don’t feel anything, then it was probably just the dream and this will pass. But if you do feel something…I’d like you to tell me.” I could tell his confidence was wavering, and that he was really scared to death. I could feel his pulse through his fingertips, pounding out a rhythm with my own. I felt both calm and scared to death, if that were possible, and I felt like someone was squeezing my heart to death in my ribcage.

“My chest…feels weird,” I told him. “I don’t know how to describe it. I’ve never felt this before.”

Ethan looked relieved and lowered his hand. I was sad to lose its warmth. “You like me,” he said. “I was so scared for a minute, but you really do.”

I was stunned that he had come to such a conclusion. “How do you know?”

“It’s not my first time liking someone,” he chuckled. “What you’re describing is exactly how I feel every time I look at someone I’m attracted to.” He bit his lip. “It’s how I feel…every time I look at you.”

To say I was shocked would have been an understatement. “You…like me?” I spluttered, unsure how I should take the news. He nodded and moved a bit closer.

“I didn’t really plan on telling you,” he explained. “I just wanted to be your friend. But…the first time I saw you, I knew. I had no idea you felt the same.”

“Neither did I,” I said honestly. Could that really be the reason I had been so obsessed with Ethan? Not because I thought he was a vampire, but because I liked him? Could Lizzie have been right about him all along? I became immersed in my thoughts so much that I didn’t notice Ethan looming closer.

There was really no warning, though I suppose there didn’t need to be. Ethan’s lips were as soft as I had dreamt they would be, and so warm I thought I would melt. All my previous worries—what my parents would think, being hated by the whole town—seemed to fade away under those lips. Whenever I thought of my first kiss, it would be this, and not that sad attempt outside my door, that would come to mind.

Though I didn’t want to stop, my tiredness rudely interrupted the moment and made me aware of it. I couldn’t fight it anymore, no matter how much I wanted to. I broke the kiss and my head found its way to Ethan’s chest, where I could hear his heart beating steadily in my ear. I both heard and felt him say something, but I couldn’t say what as the steady lullaby of his heartbeat finally dragged me down into the world of sleep.
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Normality