Fire And Ice | By : AeraVale Category: Twilight Series > General Views: 6807 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0 |
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight or make any money from this story. |
"Thank you. Odd as this might sound, I suppose I'm glad you're here, Jacob." The gratitude in his voice certainly wasn't faked. Even he wasn't that good an actor.
Amusement welled up inside me, giving me a weird sensation like I wanted to laugh. "You mean, 'as much as I'd love to kill you, I'm glad she's warm', right?
There was a flash of teeth in the darkness. "It's an uncomfortable truce, isn't it?"
Amusement and self-satisfaction warred within me. "I knew you were just as crazy jealous as I am."
"I'm not such a fool as to wear it on my sleeve like you do. It doesn't help your case, you know." Well, that brought me up nice and short. His patronising tone flooded me with anger.
"You have more patience than I do." I said bitterly.
"I should." The rueful tone of his voice made me listen again. "I've had a hundred years to gain it. A hundred years waiting for her."
Yeah, sure. Like he didn't help himself to many a lush lass over that lifetime. I'd ask but I was fairly certain this was something he would lie about.
"So . . . at what point did you decide to play the very patient good guy?" I asked, hoping he would ignore the thoughts in my head and focus on my questions.
"When I saw how much it was hurting her to make her choose. It's not usually this difficult to control. I can smother the . . . less civilised feelings I may have for you fairly easily most of the time. Sometimes I think she sees through me, but I can't be sure."
"I think you were just worried that if you really forced her to choose, she might not choose you." After all, you're the one who left her.
The silence stretched out after that question. I realised that what I had deliberately left unsaid, in order to maintain our fragile truce, would have been read in my thoughts. I held my breathe, waiting for his fury at being reminded of that time.
"That was a part of it." He finally replied, his voice very quiet. "But only a small part. We all have our moments of doubt. Mostly I was worried that she'd hurt herself trying to sneak away to see you. After I'd accepted that she was more or less safe with you - as safe as Bella ever is - it seemed best to stop driving her to extremes."
I couldn't believe what he'd just said. Surely he would realise that I try and use his possessive protectiveness against him, trying to win Bella over to my side. Then reality raised it's ugly head. "I'd tell her all of this, but she'd never believe me."
"I know." There was no mistaking the satisfaction in his tone.
"You think you know everything." I muttered accusingly.
"I don't know the future." His tone was suddenly much more unsure and I figured his mind had travelled on to what the chances were of her ending up with me.
"What would you do if she changed her mind?" I asked suddenly.
"I don't know that either."
I couldn't stop the grin that spread across my face at my next question. "Would you try to kill me?" I emphasised 'try' a little more than necessary.
"No."
He'd never be able to take on the wolves anyway. "Why not?"
"Do you really think I would hurt her that way?"
That made me pause. I hadn't really considered that before. "Yeah, you're right. I know that's right. But sometimes . . ."
"Sometimes it's an intriguing idea."
Laughter bubbled up inside my throat and I pressed my face against the cloth of our covers to muffle it. I didn't want to wake Bella. "Exactly."
My mind was abruptly filled with the thought of hurting Bella and all laughter faded from me. Would killing Edward really hurt her that much? I thought back to when he had left, the empty shell she had become. I didn't think I could really do that to her. Edward had caused her so much pain in that time. For the first time I wondered what had been going through his head, what he had felt.
"What is it like? Losing her?" I asked quietly. "When you thought that you'd lost her forever? How did you . . . cope?"
"That is very difficult for me to talk about."
There was a hint that this discussion had finally ended and I immediately felt annoyed. The least he could do would be to answer this question, the conclusion that he no longer had to really consider and that loomed on my own horizon. I stayed silent. If he wasn't going to talk about this subject than we were finished with the whole honesty bullshit.
"There were two different time that I thought that." The pace of his voice was slow, as if the pain was still there. "The first time, when I thought I could leave her . . . that was . . . almost unbearable. Because I thought she would forget me and it would be like I hadn't touched her life. For over six months I was able to stay away, to keep my promise that I wouldn't interfere again. It was getting close - I was fighting but I knew I wasn't going to win. I would have come back . . . just to check on her. That's what I would have told myself, anyway. And if I'd found her reasonably happy . . . I like to think that I could have gone away again.
"But she wasn't happy. And I would have stayed. That's how she convinced me to stay with her tomorrow, of course. You were wondering about that before, what could possibly motivate me . . . what she was feeling so needlessly guilty about. She reminded me of what it did to her when I left - what it still does to her when I leave. She feels horrible about bringing that up, but she's right. I'll never be able to make up for that, but I'll never stop trying anyway."
Shock registered in my brain but I was lost in the memory of what might have been. I could understand the pain that would result in believing you hadn't left your mark on her life. When she had become the central being in my world, what would it do to me to become nothing more than a fading memory to her? I lay there in silence, holding her tight against me, trying to block out the image of her walking away and never looking back.
Of course, there was something much, much worse than that. If she stayed with Edward it was inevitable that she would become one of them. And to me that would be nothing more than a death sentence. Once she was bitten, she'd be dead. I'd lose her completely.
"And the other time - when you thought she was dead?" I asked, my voice rough with emotion.
"Yes." Edward answered. "It will probably feel like that to you, won't it? The way you perceive us, you might not be able to see her as Bella anymore. But that's who she'll be."
The bastard was trying to reassure me, to excuse what he planned to do to my Bella. "That's not what I asked." I grated out.
The reply was hard and fast and brutal. "I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words."
Pain coursed through me at the possible future and my muscles contracted, squeezing Bella hard against me. She shifted slightly and I loosened my grip though I couldn't let go. Fear of the future made me want to never, ever let go. Surely no one could hurt her while she was safe in my arms. I felt myself grasping at strands, desperate for something, some hope to hold on to.
"But you left because you didn't want to make her a bloodsucker. You want her to be human." I couldn't disguise the pleading in my tone.
When Edward spoke there was more understanding in his tone than I cared for. But there was also a hint of resignation.
"Jacob, from the second that I realised that I loved her, I knew there were only four possibilities. The first alternative, the best one for Bella, could be if she didn't feel as strongly for me - if she got over me and moved on. I would accept that, though it would never change the way I felt. You think of me as . . . living stone - hard and cold. That's true. We are set the way we are, and it is very rare for us to experience a real change. When that happens, as when Bella entered my life, it is a permanent change. There's no going back . . ."
I could remember that moment in my own past only too clearly. I'd know Bella from an early age, but there had been a big gap before we met in Forks after her moving to live with Charlie. That girl I had seen was enchanting with her dark hair and dark eyes, moving so cautiously. We were kindred spirits, understanding each other in ways no one did. I had loved her for so long now that it was simply a part of who I was. I was eager to hear the rest of his options and depressed that the first had applied to me rather than him.
"The second alternative, the one I'd originally chosen, was to stay with her throughout her human life. It wasn't a good option for her, to waste her life with someone who couldn't be human with her, but it was the alternative I could most easily face. Knowing all along that, when she died, I would find a way to die, too. Sixty years, seventy years - it would seem like a very, very short time to me . . . But then it proved much too dangerous for her to live in such close proximity with my world. It seemed like everything that could go wrong did. Or hung over us . . . waiting to go wrong. I was terrified that I wouldn't get those sixty years if I stayed near her while she was human.
"So I chose option three. Which turned out to be the worst mistake of my very long life, as you know. I chose to take myself out of her world, hoping to force her into the first alternative. It didn't work, and it very nearly killed us both."
It could have worked! my mind screamed but I forced it to stay silent. I needed to hear the rest of this morbid tale.
"What do I have left but the fourth option? It's what she wants - at least, she thinks she does. I've been trying to delay her, to giver her time to find a reason to change her mind, but she's very . . . stubborn. You know that. I'll be lucky to stretch this out a few more months. She has a horror of getting older and her birthday is in September . . ."
"I like option one." I muttered, unable to keep silent any longer. He didn't answer. I hadn't really expected him to. After all, he felt like he'd already worked his way through the list. I took a deep breathe, trying to find the guts to admit this next part.
"You know exactly how much I hate to accept this, but I can see that you do love her . . . in your own way. I can't argue with that anymore." I ground my teeth at the idea, but I did believe it. "Given that, I don't think you should give up on the first alternative, not yet. I think there's a very good chance that she would be okay. After time. You know, if she hadn't jumped off a cliff in March . . . and if you'd waited another six months to check on her . . . Well, you might have found her reasonably happy. I had a game plan."
The plan rose in my thoughts before I could stop it and with it came all the intimate moments Bella and I had shared during those few months. Times when I had looked into her eyes and seen more than emptiness. When I had seen a glimmer of indecision as if she was thinking of giving in . . .
Edward chuckled. "Maybe it would have worked. It was a well thought-out plan."
I sighed. "Yeah. But . . ." Suddenly the words were pouring out of my mouth in a rush. "Give me a year, bl- Edward. I really think I could make her happy. She's stubborn, no one knows that better than I do, but she's capable of healing. She would have healed before. And she could be human, with Charlie and Renée, and she could grow up, and have kids and . . . be Bella." I had to pause while I filled my lungs with much needed air. When I continued it was slower, each word pronounced. "You love her enough that you have to see the advantages of that plan. She thinks you're very unselfish . . . are you really? Can you consider the idea that I might be better for her than you are?"
The relief at having finally laid bare my true thoughts and hopes made my body want to slump but the anticipation at his answer held my muscles taut.
"I have considered it." It was obvious even from that that Edward had no intentions of backing down. "In some ways, you would be better suited for her than another human. Bella takes some looking after, and you're strong enough that you could protect her from herself, and from everything that conspires against her. You have done that already, and I'll owe you for that as long as I live - forever - whichever comes first . . ."
My teeth were clamped down in frustration but I let him finish.
"I even asked Alice is she could see that - see if Bella would be better off with you. She couldn't of course. She can't see you, and then Bella's sure of her course, for now. But I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before, Jacob. I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."
"And if she were to decide that she wanted me?" I challenged. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."
"I would let her go."
Disbelief filled me. "Just like that?"
A gentle sigh. "In the sense that I'd never show her how hard it was for me, yes. But I would keep watch. You see, Jacob, you might leave her someday. Like Sam and Emily, you wouldn't have a choice. I would always be waiting in the wings, hoping for that to happen."
I let out a snort as his words sunk in. I was pretty much certain that I would never imprint. My feelings for Bella came pretty darn close and I'd come into contact with most of the girls from the reservation. No, that wasn't going to happen.
"Well, you've been much more honest that I had any right to expect . . . Edward. Thanks for letting me inside your head."
"As I said, I'm feeling oddly grateful for your presence in her life tonight. It was the least I could do . . . You know, Jacob, if it weren't for the fact that we're natural enemies and that you're also trying to steal away the reason for my existence, I might actually like you."
I felt myself shake with contained laughter. "Maybe . . . if your weren't a disgusting vampire who was planning to suck out the life of the girl I love . . . well, no, not even then."
Edward was laughing now. We reflected for a moment the bizarreness of the night, each lost in our own world of thought. Natural enemies about covered it, though didn't the saying go that you should always try to understand your enemy? I felt like tonight might have given me more insight than anything I had ever been told by the elders. Edward was the first to break the silence.
"Can I ask you something?"
I rolled my eyes. Hadn't I asked enough questions for him to merit one? "Why would you have to ask?"
"I can only hear if you think of it. It's just a story that Bella seemed reluctant to tell me about the other day. Something about a third wife . . . ?
"What about it?" I asked, the bones of the story playing out in my head. Edward must have been listening because a moment later he let out a low hiss. "What?" I demanded, irritated at having to ask again.
"Of course." Edward seethed, "Of course! I rather wish your elders had kept that story to themselves."
I felt like laughing again. How strange that he wouldn't like people telling Bella stories that portrayed vampires in a bad light. Maybe I would have to tell her more. "You don't like the leeches being painted as the bad guys? You know, they are. Then and now."
"I really couldn't care less about that part." Edward replied, his voice dark. "Can't you guess which character Bella would identify with?"
I ran back through the story quickly in my mind and gave a mental shudder. Shit. "Oh. Ugh. The third wife. Okay, I see your point."
"She wants to be there in the clearing. To do what little she can, as she puts it." Edward sighed and I felt like echoing him. Typical Bella. "That was the secondary reason for my staying with her tomorrow. She's quite inventive when she wants something."
I bristled at the idea that this was somehow my fault, or the fault of the elders. "You know, your military brother gave her the idea just as much as the story did."
Edward waved a hand dismissively. "Neither side meant any harm."
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