October in Washington had to be the most beautiful month I’d seen. I paused on the deck, looking out at the trees that surround the apartments I live in. I wish the entire world looked like this, I thought, leaning back against the glass door. The glass of whiskey in my hand was fast disappearing, and I shook my head. Two weeks’ paid leave while the police, my coworkers, investigated an on-the-job shooting where the perp had ended up dead, with my bullet in him. No one’s loss but his own, I thought snidely. “You’ve been indulging in this far too much, my friend,” I said aloud, glancing back down at the near-empty glass. “Oh, I know,” A low voice replied. I looked around as she continued. “But, you know, I think that sometimes a little indulgence is good for the soul. Besides, it’s just one more martini. It’s not like it’s straight whiskey.” I detected a hint of laughter in that beautifully purring voice, and stepped forward to the deck’s railing. She was leaning against her own railing, martini in hand, her ruby hair cascading over one shoulder and stretching itself toward the ground. Red lips, red hair, stunning eyes. I paused for a moment, staring at the clean, sparkling purple of them. They were the color of amethyst, or Spanish lavender. “Sorry to interrupt,” She blushed, the flush turning her cheeks an endearing shade of schoolgirl pink. “But I just couldn’t help it.” Poor girl, she must have had quite a few martinis before we spoke. She leaned rather heavily against the railing, eyes ever so slightly out of focus. “It’s not a problem,” I replied. Then, “I’m Aud. 1C.” I extended a hand. She offered her hand, then switched the martini to her left with another flush. “I’m…I’m Dolly. 2C.” Firm handshake, firm gaze. Dolly smiled at me, sipping her martini. I looked back down at the glass of whiskey and was glad she did not know about the glass, three fingers, which had preceded it. “Where are you from, Aud?” She asked, taking another sip of the martini. The girl kept twirling her hair around one finger. It twisted and curled, bouncing slightly. The waning sunlight in her hair made it glitter scarlet and gold. I felt intoxicated suddenly, reeling with the effort to keep myself from reaching out and touching her. “Ah, Norway, via England. If you don’t mind…it’s getting rather late. I should be going,” I said shortly. Her eyes widened slightly, and she blinked. “It was nice meeting you, Aud,” Dolly said. It was nearly a whisper. “Come over anytime.”
∞ ∞ ∞
That night, I was sitting in my bedroom, meditating. Breathe in, breathe out. Let your mind go blank, feel…feel everything. Feel nothing. Sigh. I opened my eyes, looking around. No, there was no one in the apartment with me. I closed my eyes again. In, out, breathe, sigh. My eyes flicked open again, glancing around. I rose, parting the drapes to look outside. No one outside. Another sigh, and I whipped around, stalking over to the wall. Leaning lightly against it, I pressed my ear to the painted plaster. Several small sighs sounded against my ear drums, and suddenly I pulled back, blushing. The apartment against that wall, the only other apartment on the floor, was Dolly’s. And I had just heard her sighing, more than once, with a definite tone of pleasure. I changed quickly, and left for a run.
∞ ∞ ∞
The next morning, as I was leaving, I heard Dolly’s door open. It wasn’t too early, and since I was feeling especially handsome that morning, I put on a smile for her. Turning the corner, I stopped. Two women were standing on the landing, whispering to each other. One was tall, although still shorter than me, and wearing ripped jeans, boots, and a black t-shirt that said THE ZOMBIES ARE COMING. The other was short, waifish and platinum blonde. The blonde had a bag that seemed bigger than she slung over one shoulder, and was dressed in a microscopic miniskirt, white t-shirt and flat shoes. They turned at the sound of my boots, and the taller one gave a nod. “Morning,” She said. Her hair was clipped short and fashioned into one of those half-assed Mohawks that isn’t a Mohawk. “Good morning,” I replied, walking past them. The tiny blonde looked me up and down as I passed, but I ignored her. Her breasts were fake, and larger than my head. I got into my Saab and pulled out of the parking lot, heading toward Seattle proper. At the Market, I picked up a fresh red snapper and some pasta, truffles and a bit of white wine. The fishmonger I spoke to smiled over the mountains of ice as he wrapped the bright, red fish in paper. Lingering near the waterfront, I looked out over the sound, sighing. A chilly wind whipped through, fluttering coats. I pulled my trench coat closer, running a hand through my hair. Driving home, I thought about Dolly. She was young…much younger than I was. I guessed her age at about twenty-two. Thirteen years younger than I. Glancing left, I noticed a little red convertible speeding up, trying to pass me. I stepped on the gas ever so slightly. Too young, Aud, old girl, I told myself. Parts of me listened to the warning. Parts of me didn’t. On the way up the stairs to my apartment, I still couldn’t get beautiful, red Dolly out of my head. “Where’s the broad, lives next door?” I stopped, still several stairs down, listening to the conversation on the landing. “Tall girl…Elle said she was here this morning,” “Oh, out, I suppose. Why do you care? I don’t keep tabs on my neighbors.” Dolly’s voice. Was it just me, or did I hear the beginnings of a fear warble? “I don’t like her. She seems…fuck, where are the keys? Seems like a dyke, to me.” Mystery woman. She sounded angry. Dolly’s voice again: “Did you put them in your back pocket? Of course she’s gay. Isn’t it obvious?” She sounded almost pleased. I shook my head, keys jingled. “But it’s not like it’s a problem. I mean—” “Damn straight it’s a problem, Dolly. I don’t want her getting any—” The voices cut off with a closed door, and I finished my walk up to the apartment. That evening, I steamed fish, boiled pasta, and ate my supper while trying to ignore the cries and moans from 2C.
∞ ∞ ∞
I got up earlier than usual the next morning and took a mug of hot tea onto the chill and damp of the deck. Leaves rustled on the trees, a red stray falling to the pathway below every so often. The sound of a sliding glass door make me look around. “Morning,” I said, and Dolly jumped. She looked at me, and I stiffened. Her hair was a mess, but considering it was the morning, I didn’t judge her for that. It was the blossoming purple bruise on her jawline that I noticed first. Dark makeup and run mascara stained her eyes. She was wearing a thin, lace-edged green robe that brushed her elbows and dipped in a deep V down her chest. “Dolly…” She shushed me with a hand motion and shook her head slightly. Dolly turned away, and a moment later I heard her deck door close. For a moment, I thought she’d left, but then her hair appeared, blazing in the morning light, and she leaned out over the railing. “Good morning, Aud,” Her voice was rather lower than usual, almost gravelly. She cracked a small smile and then peered out sullenly into the distance. “Rough morning?” I asked, and her eyes darted towards me, almost fearful. Little Dolly shook her head. “No…ah. Cassie was just leaving,” She nodded back towards her door. “I’d better go find her, to say good-bye,” She pulled back and disappeared behind the partition between our decks. “Have a nice day, then,” I said. My words rung in the empty air. Later that day, I watched Dolly return from a shopping trip with bags. Mostly from cosmetic stores. I called up my friend Brannon, who happened to work for the local police department alongside me. “Aud, how lovely to see you. Still up for the bar crawl this weekend?” I had completely forgotten we’d planned to do that. “Of course. Brannon, I need a favor.” “Ah-oh, what kind of favor?” “Just a background check.” “You want me to email the results to you?” He asked casually. “No. Can you do it over the phone?” “Ah, yeah, but it’ll take a moment.” “That’s fine.” Several minutes passed as I stared out at the trees, hearing only a faint clicking over the phone, studded every so often with a satisfied grunt or annoyed sigh from Brannon. “So…why are you looking this girl up again?” “Oh, curiosity, I suppose,” I said as casually as possible. Brannon snorted. “Aud Torvingen never does anything from sheer curiosity.” “Just tell me the results, Brannon,” I said shortly. “Dolores May Blume, born May 21st in Seattle. Parents of German and Irish descent; five years of college…quit halfway through her Master’s to join the Peace Corps at twenty-one. Her—” “Wait, five years of college, but she quit and joined the Peace Corps at twenty-one?” “Ah, yeah. Looks like she’s a genius…attended Cal Tech up until two years ago. She graduated with a Bachelor’s summa cum laude after double majoring in Physics and English. Left high school at fifteen, accepted to Cal Tech just before her sixteenth birthday. Apparently the girl’s a whiz at math…it says she was a major part of their math department up until she dropped out. There’s an article attached to her name with the entire math department faculty talking about how they lost a great student and future colleague when she left…the way they write, you’d think she died.” “Hm…anything else of note? Any run-ins with the police?” “No…oh, wait. There have been two domestic dispute calls on her and someone named Cassandra Howard. Once a year ago, the second about four months ago. Neighbors reported yelling, screaming, and crying…there are pictures. It’s not pretty. When the boys got there, she was beaten up pretty badly.” I nearly cringed, remembering the purple-blue bruise on that beautiful jaw. “Never filed a suit, though, so it was dropped, both times. You’d think a girl that smart would know better,” Brannon sighed, and I frowned slightly. “What can you tell me about Cassandra Howard?” I asked. Brannon whistled low, and then sighed. “I’ll email you the details, okay, Torvingen? I don’t really want to do this over the phone…it’s weird.” “Fine. Can you email the results within the hour?” “Yeah. Count on it, but don’t hold your breath.” As I hung up the phone, I took a deep breath and went to get changed.
∞ ∞ ∞
Standing on Dolly’s doorstep was harder than it should have been. I knocked once, sharply, and waited. A moment later, the lock clicked, and Dolly opened the door. Her hair was done up in a haphazard bun, and she had a dusting cloth in one hand. Dolly’s shorts looked more like cut-off sweats than anything else, and her shirt, two sizes too big, had the words VISIT SUNNY SUN VALLEY written across her chest in large, scrawling letters. She smiled. The bruises beneath her jaw weren’t gone, but hidden well with makeup. “Aud! Is something wrong?” Always in America, there had to be a problem for one to talk with one’s neighbor. How sad. “Not at all, Dolly. Is this a bad time?” “Oh no! I’m just cleaning,” She stood awkwardly for a moment, and seemed to calculate something in her head, then moved to the side. “Won’t you come in?” Stepping inside her apartment almost made me doubt that Dolly and I lived in the same complex. Her walls, white as bone like mine, were decorated with myriad pictures, matted and framed. The dark wooden floors supported a burgundy, silver and royal blue rug that smacked of Persian influence, but it seemed as if that was where all the color ended. Outside the kitchen, the dining table, as well as the table in the coffee table in the living room was black-lacquered wood with a glass top; all the pictures in the frames were simply black and white. The fireplace’s red brick was like a smear of old blood in the black and white apartment. “Sit, sit,” She insisted, and then paused as I stretched myself out, long legs before me as I sat down on a black modernist couch. “Are you thirsty?” “No,” I replied, and reached one arm across the back of the sofa. It was a rather uncomfortable couch, but served its purpose just fine. Dolly halted for a moment, as if torn between playing hostess and acquiescing to my wish. Finally, she sat down on the two-seater against the opposite wall. I noticed a definite lack of television in the room, but a large and imposing black sound system relaxed against the wall to my right. “I’m actually here to ask if you’d like to go to lunch with me,” I said calmly. Dolly’s head jerked up and she searched my face for a moment before replying. “What for?” I cocked my head to the side and then looked down at my hands, inspecting them closely, nonchalantly, as I spoke. “Does everyone need a hidden agenda?” I asked, flicking my eyes up to meet hers. She seemed confused.
“Well…no. Ah. When were you thinking?”
“Now,” I replied smoothly. She paused, jerked. She seemed so caught, but by what? A ghostly image of what I imagined Cassandra looked like flashed through my head, and I stood. “I can wait outside while you change, if that would make you more comfortable,” I said. She nodded, and then shook her head. “No. Uhm. It’s fine.” Dolly stood, swept some dust from her knees, and then walked back into the master bedroom, only mostly closing the door behind her. I turned away from her and it, leaning against a wall. Every so often, I’d hear a rattle from the room. A few minutes later, she appeared again. I opened the front door and she stepped out onto the landing. After locking the door behind us, Dolly paused.
“Are you driving?”
“I am,”
The silence in my Saab was thick as custard, and I kept the radio low as she breathed silently beside me. Every two minutes or so, I’d glance over to her. The tiny, beating pulse at the base of her white neck jumped like she’d been running, and her eyes were wide as saucers. “You didn’t have to come, you know,” I said quietly. She turned to me, eyes rather confused. It hurt to see the…child-likeness of her: so disordered, so unsure.
“I…”
“I wouldn’t have been angry with you for saying no. It’s everyone’s right,”
“I don’t know why you’d think I don’t want to be here,” She said, and I almost jerked reflexively when she grabbed my hand. Her skin was warm, almost feverishly burning, like a little star. I idly wondered if her entire body scorched like this. It wouldn’t be an unpleasant feeling, bare skin against bare skin. “I like being with you, Aud,” Her words were jumbled, hurried, and I couldn’t help but glance at her nearly incredulously. She seemed…so young; so beautiful, so delicate, so sensuous, but so god-forsakenly young. I gripped her hand in mine tightly, feeling the tendons stand out from my skin like cables. So small: she was so small, in more ways than one. I ended up pulling into a park. Clouds were gathering on the horizon, dark, ominous clouds with the intent of rain. They seemed to race across the sky as we sat in the car, silence pressing down like a tangible weight on my chest. Dolly hadn’t let go of my hand, and she moved closer once the car stopped. I nearly chastised her for forgoing her seatbelt, and then held my tongue. Her entire body radiated like a furnace, boiling hot as she scooted nearer. Dolly’s eyes were huge, purple-red in the wan light, and I stared at her, entranced, telling myself to look away and take her home, pack up and leave. This won’t end well, I told myself. I ignored my own warning as she gazed up at me, pleading with her eyes for something. For what? Sex? Love? Money? Salvation? What did little Dolly want? “Aud,” She breathed my name, lips forming a perfect red O on the vowel. Her body was as close to mine as the console would allow. I leaned in slightly and she blinked, gazing down at my mouth for a moment before returning those eyes to my face. The swell of her breasts above the neckline of her shirt was entrancing, but I could barely keep my eyes off her face. As if in slow motion, Dolly’s eyes traced my face, and then she sat back with a resentful look in her eye.
“I…”
I didn’t give her a chance to say anything else. Reaching out, I wrapped one hand around the back of her hot neck and pulled her forward, kissing her hard. The scent of her was sweet and soft, like a cool spring morning, and I breathed her in as I twisted my fingers in her silken hair. She was soft and hard and forgiving, her taste sweet on my lips as her hot tongue slipped between mine. I bit her lip softly and she moaned, driving me near to frenzy. Our hands remained locked together over the console, but my free hand traveled through her hair, and I felt hers on my stomach, gripping the fabric of my jacket and shirt as if it were her only lifeline in the world. Leaving her mouth, my lips hungrily traveled across her cheek and down her jaw to that white, gorgeously silky throat. “Aud, god, oh,” She sighed, and then pushed me away. “Not here, Aud…not here,” Her voice was ragged and almost hoarse. I sped back home, sliding my car expertly into the parking stall before we headed up the stairs as fast as possible. Her hands traced frantically over my body the entire way, and I never stopped touching her. I could feel the wetness in my jeans growing with my need, aching, burning as tangibly as she did. We reached her apartment and she fumbled with the keys, nearly dropping them before I plucked it from her searing hand and slid it in, turning the lock. We burst into the apartment, a tangle of legs and clothes and ardor, stumbling through the foyer and into the living room. Turning toward the master bedroom door, I nearly walked into who, I assumed from her facial expression, was Cassandra in the flesh. “You whore,” She snarled, and before I could stop her, Cassandra’s hand shot out and she slapped Dolly’s face, hard. The tiny woman’s head snapped to the side and she cried out, falling back. I shouted and grabbed Cassandra’s thin arm. Jerking her forward, I drove my fist down into her face once, twice, and then Dolly was crying and screaming. Blood dripped from Cassandra’s nose, my fist, and my arms, where she had scratched me. Dolly grabbed my arm, twisting it away, trying to keep me from hurting her girlfriend. I have to say, she wasn’t as strong as I’d assumed she would be. I flicked her off, and punched Cassandra in the gut, right where I knew the softest spot would be. Vaguely, I could hear someone speaking calmly, reciting over and over,
“You hit her, I’ll hit you. Simple as that. But I’ll fuck you up, darling. I really will,” It was me. Was that my voice?
∞ ∞ ∞
The police came and took us all away.
Sitting in the interview room, I looked Brannon and scowled. He sighed, running fingers through his hair.
“You already look like Einstein, Brannon. No need to make it worse.”
“Joke all you want, Aud,” He sighed. “What the hell did you think you were doing? And after asking me to look that shit up? Aud, really?”
I sighed and leaned back in my chair, looking up at the ceiling.
“I guess I just let my emotions run away, Brannon,”
“Torvingen, you’re better than that,” He snapped. I shrugged.
We were silent for a while, and then there was a slight knock on the door. Brannon got up and left the room. When he returned, he looked relieved. “Well, Torvingen, at least something’s worked in your favor: she’s not pressing charges. You can leave any time you like.” I sat there for a moment and then stood slowly. “I guess I’ll see you around then, Brannon?” I said, and then smiled slightly. “One week, three days to be exact,” Brannon caught my arm as I walked out the door, bowing his head slightly so the guards and other officers couldn’t hear what he was saying.
“This will be going straight to the committees’ ears, you know, Aud,”
“Oh, I know. But don’t worry, Brannon,” I clapped him on the back. “I’ll be fine.” He laughed softly and squeezed my shoulder slightly.
“You always are, Torvingen. Always are.”
The next few days flew by without incident. I cleaned my flat, vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing and bleaching until it sparkled like a well-worn cubic zirconium. Every so often, I’d hear shouting from Dolly’s apartment, but I never stopped by to talk with her. Once, while out on the landing, Dolly’s door opened, and Cassandra stepped out. With her back to me, I noted that she was tall and thin, like me, but with a noticeably mussed mop of dark hair on her head. Dolly’s girlfriend wore a thin white t-shirt, no bra, and a pair of ripped, dirty jeans. She looked for all the world like a gangly, sulky teenage boy. Cassandra didn’t see me as she walked away. Half an hour after seeing Cassandra out on the landing, a knock sounded at my door. Through the peephole, I saw Dolly standing there. What surprised me was the fact that she seemed nearly naked, wearing nothing but her bra and panties in the chilly evening air. I flung the door open.
“Dolly! What are you doing?”
Dolly stared at me for a moment, her eyes vaguely unfocused, and then leaned in to kiss me. I tasted cinnamon and vodka on her breath, but didn’t register the thought until after her arms wrapped around my neck, drawing me in closer. “Dolly, you’re drunk,” I mumbled against her lips. She sighed and shook her head, running her fingers down my chest, lightly fingering the button of my fly.
“I’m not drunk, Aud, but oh, god, I can’t stop thinking about you…”
“Dolly, this isn’t a good idea,” I said quietly but the words rang false even in my own ears. Her hand moved between my shirt and jeans, tracing the skin of my hips. A sigh hitched in my throat as she pushed me back into the apartment, and as soon as she passed the threshold, I shut the door. Wrapping her legs around my waist I turned and walked us back into the living room. Her tongue slipped inside my mouth as I walked, and I gripped her hips, easing her small, nigh-bare body down onto the couch. Dolly sighed and moaned as I kissed down her neck and chest, stopping just long enough at her left breast to run my tongue along the edge of her bra. Dolly arched her back as I slid my hands down her smooth stomach and thighs. I jerked my fingers up toward her hips in a fast motion, digging my nails into the skin, and she cried out with pleasure. Taking one of my large hands in her smaller one, Dolly slipped my hand down the front of her panties, sliding them down slightly. I leaned in to kiss her hard as I pushed my fingers along her slippery body, touching her softly until she gasped and moaned, arching her back to push herself further against me. “Oh, Aud, I need…I need.” She dug her nails into my back and jacket, whimpering in a way that drove me near to madness. I moved her body up, sliding the panties off her hips, up her thighs and calves. Dropping them to the floor, I slid myself down on my knees in front of her, bringing her hips as close to the edge as they could be without her falling off. Gazing up her body, I watched her chest heave, her purple eyes sparkling toward the ceiling as she trailed a hand through my hair.
“You’re gorgeous, Dolly,” I sighed softly into her thigh, and she hitched her hips, sighing as she looked down at me.
“Love, me, Aud,” She whispered, and I felt like drowning in her eyes. “Love me…oh god!” Her cries as I licked and kissed her grew louder, her hips bucking, burying me in her heady scent. I felt it when she changed, when her breathing quickened, her hands jerked at the upholstery. Closer and closer she came, her eyes flickering, and she cried out. “Aud, god…yes, there, there, there!” I flicked her clit the way she asked, circling quickly, trailing my fingers down her thighs, touching her ass and slipping my finger toward my ultimate goal. As she strung higher and higher, fluttering above the clouds like a bird on a string, I pulled back, slid my finger in her ass, and let her fly as she came. Screaming, Dolly thrashed on the couch. Her back arched, and she shivered one last time before collapsing against the pillows, eyes half closed. I traced a small circle on her upper thigh and she whimpered softly, her nails digging lightly into the couch.
“Dolly?” I whispered softly. Her eyes closed, but moved, as if she were still trying to look at me through them.
“Aud…” She gasped, my name dragging off at the last letter where her breath cut off. “Aud, oh god, you’re beautiful…you’re so beautiful. I love you,” I placed my cheek on her soft thigh, watching her through my pale lashes as her breathing steadied and she drifted off. Her heartbeat slowed to a minimum, and then she was asleep. I stood, careful to keep my fingers out of the way, and went into the bathroom to wash my face and my hands. Sighing, I looked at myself in the mirror, and smiled slightly to myself.
∞ ∞ ∞
Two weeks later, I stepped into Dolly’s apartment. Cigarette smoke clouded the air, dancing like forgotten goddesses in little eddies along the ceiling. Through the foyer and into the living room I walked, watching as Cassandra took another drag on her fag from the couch. She looked up at me with heavy eyes and sighed, sending another stream of smoke shooting up into the air. Without a word, she held up the little slip of paper in her hand and I took it from her, reading the words three times before I fully comprehended what they said.
Dearest Cassie,
I love you, but I can’t stay. The voices won’t stop…have they ever stopped? And I just…can’t be here anymore. I’ve always wanted to see Italy, and France, and Ireland. I’m going now. Tell Aud I’ll miss her, because I will. Maybe Doctor Harrigan was right. I guess we’ll never know.
Love you more than the moon,
Dolly
I looked up at Cassandra. The dark circles beneath her eyes were black and blue; she looked like she hadn’t slept in weeks.
“When did she leave this?” I asked softly. Cassandra stared up at me with glazed eyes, seeing through me as she took another drag. “When did she leave?” I demanded. The woman shrugged.
“Last night…” She finally croaked out. “I came home, and she was gone. Just…up and left, like she was never here.”
“What about all this? Doctor Harrigan?” I asked, gesturing to the note. Cassandra shook her head balefully and stubbed out the burning filter on her boot sole. “Harrigan is…was, I guess, her psychiatrist. He wanted to have her institutionalized for a few weeks to monitor her on pills…the schizophrenia, you know.” Buried in memories, Cassandra didn’t notice my surprise. “None of this is hers.” Cassandra said suddenly, gesturing to the room and furniture around us. “It’s barely mine. We had a decorator come in for it. She insisted on it. None of this is hers…she took everything. Everything but some socks, and a few pair of panties. And all of her pills.”
Cassandra was a mess.
“She’ll come back,” I said. It was all I could think of, and even as the words left my lips, I knew they were all lies.
“No.” She seemed more than certain of it. “No, she won’t. She’s gone. And she took everything with her.”
Looking at Cassandra, I felt…sorrow. And pity. But more than anything else, overwhelming my wish to see Dolly’s face one last time, I felt gratitude. If it wasn’t for timing, if fate had decided to steer me elsewhere one day or another, this could have been me. This pathetic, withering husk of broken dreams could have been me, because I would have given Dolly everything. I would have given her everything, before realizing that she could give me nothing at all. And as I walked out of the apartment, I thanked a god I didn’t believe in that Dolly had left me, at least, in peace, instead of in pieces.